Will I Always Struggle With Anger?

Anger Management

Everyone gets angry sometimes. This is even true of those who always seem perfectly in control. Some people are simply better at hiding their anger… even from themselves.

That is not to say that one person’s anger is the same as another’s. Different people experience anger in different ways. For some, it exhibits as aggression. For others, it is turned inwards. One person may struggle to regulate it, while another may find a good balance.

Anger can be very destructive, even for those who usually have a handle on it. But for those who particularly struggle, it can end multiple relationships, trigger impulsive decisions with terrible consequences, and even lead to mental and physical illnesses.

Do you have to struggle with anger all your life?

How Do I Stop Getting Angry?

Let’s start with an important principle: you will feel anger over the course of your life no matter how hard you try. However, this doesn’t mean you’ll always struggle with anger.

What do we mean? Well, anger is a natural response to certain experiences. Hoping to never get angry is like hoping you won’t sweat on a hot day. In fact, similar to sweat, it performs an important function.

Anger can drive or motivate you. If you get angry when you’re in danger, it can help you navigate the situation. It also helps you put boundaries in place, protecting your own interests when others try to take advantage of you.

Anger in and of itself is therefore not a ‘bad’ thing. But that doesn’t mean it’s always appropriate. Think about it like a hammer. When you need to hit a nail or knock down a wall, it’s very useful. In other circumstances, however, it is going to do much more harm than good.

The key is in learning to regulate your anger so that you can use it, rather than the other way around. To learn to do that, it is necessary to understand where anger comes from.

Why Do I Get Angry?

When someone is out to hurt you and you need to protect yourself, anger makes sense. But why do you get angry when there’s no need for an aggressive reaction?

You may have heard people call anger a secondary emotion. This is because it is often a reaction to another emotion, rather than the immediate response.

Let’s look at a common example. You share a personal story with someone and they respond in an insensitive way. Instead of understanding where you are coming from, they laugh it off or claim you overreacted. Maybe they didn’t even listen in the first place.

Anger rises up in you and you take one of two routes. You either lash out at them or you let the anger simmer within you, thinking of all the person’s negative traits. What is happening here?

Anger is not the primary emotion in this case. Rather, in the face of what seems like a rejection, you feel hurt or shame. These emotions are difficult to process. In fact you’d rather not feel them at all. As a way to get rid of them, your subconscious tells you to be angry.

Lashing out in this circumstance is a case of what’s known as projection. You are trying to get rid of the emotion by passing it on to someone else. You therefore try to make them feel hurt or shame. This also explains why you may lash out at someone who wasn’t involved. The point isn’t to get even, but to get rid of the feeling in any way possible.

If you sit simmering with angry thoughts about all the worst aspects of the person, you are taking a different route. Their words do not hurt as much if the person isn’t worth taking seriously. You try to invalidate the emotion by invalidating the person who triggered it.

In cases like these, anger may feel good in the moment, but can lead to some disastrous decisions. What can you do to change this?

How Do I Regulate Anger?

You can’t stop yourself from getting angry, but you can regulate the anger. How? By learning to take a pause and identify where it is coming from. If anger is an appropriate response, you can use it. If not, you can address the root cause.

There are two skills you need to learn. The first is learning to pause when you feel angry.

Here are some tips to get into the habit of pausing:

  • It helps to prepare. When you’re not feeling angry, think about which situations are most likely to trigger anger. By doing this, anger won’t surprise you and you will be ready to take the next step.
  • Resist the urge to react immediately.
  • Take some deep breaths.

The second skill is identifying the cause of the anger once you have taken a pause. Here are some tips to help you do so:

  • Ask yourself what the logic is in reacting.
  • Interrogate your answer, looking for logical fallacies.
  • Keep in mind that certain thoughts have become habitual and that they may not be accurate even if they seem ‘right’.
  • Consider what you’re feeling in your body. Is it another emotion such as shame, hurt, sadness, or guilt? If so, addressing that emotion will be the best way to regulate anger.
  • If not, consider what the benefit would be in reacting. You may find a reason it is necessary, whether for the sake of your relationship with the person or to reinforce your personal boundaries. But you may also find that reacting won’t help at all.

This process helps you defuse the situation and let go of the anger. However, it does not address the feelings that caused the anger.

Learning to Regulate Emotions

When anger is a reaction to a difficult emotion, managing the anger is only the first stage. You need to address the emotion itself. While the urge is to get angry in order to get rid of the emotion, the reality is that you don’t have to get rid of it.

Sitting with the emotion and learning to be okay with it is actually the best way to stop it from causing you suffering. The pain of certain emotions is inevitable, but suffering is not.

Learning to regulate emotions is a process that requires guidance. A mental health provider such as a therapist can teach you techniques including skills from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

Get in touch with an expert today to begin working towards a balanced approach to life.