Parenting in the twenty-first century looks very different to that of previous generations. Whereas parents were once expected to do the basics with little thought as to the impact of their approach on their children’s psychology, a better understanding of the long-term effects of parenting methods has become widespread.
This is undoubtedly a good thing, and simply being aware of the importance of conscious parenting goes a long way towards psychologically healthier kids. However, it can also create stress for parents who are trying their best but haven’t been educated in childhood development.
It becomes especially difficult for those parents who have themselves been through major struggles such as complex trauma. Even when the person has processed and learned to better manage complex trauma, residual effects can unconsciously impact their behavior in parenting.
In this article, we will discuss 10 signs complex trauma affects your parenting. Before we dive in, let’s take a brief look at what we mean by complex trauma.
What is Complex Trauma?
Complex trauma refers to prolonged and repeated exposure to highly stressful or traumatic events, often beginning in childhood. Unlike regular trauma, such as a car accident, a single incident of abuse, or the like, complex trauma continues or repeats over an extended period of time. For example, chronic abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or living in an unstable and dangerous environment are all considered complex trauma. The impact is experienced in emotional and psychological development. In response, the person struggles to develop healthy methods of self-regulation, sustain positive interpersonal relationships, and maintain overall well-being.
Many individuals who experience complex trauma develop complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), with symptoms that go beyond those of PTSD, particularly affecting interpersonal attachment styles. It therefore extends beyond the individual, influencing their parenting, as the unresolved trauma shapes their perceptions, emotional responses, and interactions with their children.
This is backed up by studies in neurobiology that indicate that exposure to chronic trauma can alter brain structure and function, contributing to hypervigilance, emotional reactivity, and difficulty trusting others. As many of us have experienced, one’s own parenting tends to be either reflective or reactive of one’s own experience of being parented – often a combination of the too – and it takes conscious effort to break these cycles.
The effect of complex trauma on your parenting can go under the radar, which is why it is important to recognize the signs. Here are 10 of the most common signs that complex trauma is affecting your parenting.
10 Signs Complex Trauma Affects Your Parenting
1. Hypervigilance and Overprotectiveness
Many parents who themselves experienced complex trauma in childhood have the instinct to overcompensate with their own children. Fearing that their kids will experience similar trauma if they are not careful, they become hypervigilant and overprotective. This is exacerbated when the parent is still hypervigilant in general as a side-effect of C-PTSD.
These trauma responses may have been necessary for survival in one’s own childhood, with parentified children often having had to protect their siblings. However, in a home without neglect or abuse, they can be harmful to a child’s development and wellbeing.
This might manifest in a reluctance to trust their children and cause the children to lack trust in themselves. It may also lead them to take on a negative view of the world around them, seeing everyone as a potential danger and struggling to build positive relationships.
2. Emotional Dysregulation
In some instances, parents who have not processed their complex trauma play out similar patterns that occurred within their own homes. Since their parents did not regulate their emotions, they themselves did not learn how to manage emotions in a healthy way. This can manifest in outbursts, withdrawal, or a combination of the two.
Without a model for emotional regulation, and with the volatility caused by dysregulation, children do not learn to regulate their own emotions. They may also feel unsafe in the house and with their parents, as they do not know what mood they will find them in.
3. Difficulty with Attachment and Bonding
Complex trauma has been found to cause difficulties with intimacy. In a home of neglect or abuse, a sense of intimacy can lead to the heartbreak of betrayal. Furthermore, expressions of intimacy and love may be negatively received, leading to an internalized belief that it is dangerous to get too close to people.
For a parent, attachment and bonding with their kids becomes difficult. This lack of attachment perpetuates the cycle, leading to another generation of children in the family who struggle to build healthy connections with others.
4. Unrealistic Expectations or Perfectionism
Parents who overcompensate in reaction to the scars of their own childhoods often place unrealistic expectations on their children. This perfectionism emerges from an instinct to ensure their children are capable enough to face potential trauma. Unfortunately, perfection is impossible to achieve, and perfectionism only leads to a sense of inadequacy and failure.
Even when the child does a great job at home or at school, it seems like they’ve achieved the bare minimum. When they inevitably fall short, they see the concern of their parents and take it on themselves, feeling unsafe and like they cannot trust themselves.
5. Fear of Abandonment and Separation Anxiety
Parents who experienced complex trauma may have gone through significant incidents of rejection or loss. They want to protect themselves from this, especially when it comes to their beloved children. They fear abandonment and manifest separation anxiety, struggling to let go and overreacting to perceived rejection from their kids.
Children then struggle with their own boundaries. Some remain close to their parents with the belief that they are responsible for their parents’ wellbeing and happiness. Others distance themselves, unable to cope with the constant feeling of being smothered. The response extends to other relationships in their lives, taking on too much responsibility for others or resisting getting too close.
6. Reenacting Childhood Trauma Patterns
Parenting is one of the most important and difficult tasks a person can take on. In theory, we should take it seriously enough to get extensive training in how best to go about it. However, since that is a luxury not afforded to most, people generally learn most about parenting from their own parents.
They end up reenacting childhood trauma patterns by unconsciously repeating the abusive or neglectful behaviors of their parents. Research has consistently shown how this causes toxic cycles to repeat from one generation to the next unless the patterns are actively challenged.
7. Struggles with Consistency and Discipline
A commonality in homes of complex trauma is a lack of structure. A child in this environment is not given a clear routine. Discipline can seem random and inconsistent, with parents sometimes being overly strict and at other times not seeming to care.
Children find safety in routine and consistent discipline. When a parent hasn’t dealt with their own complex trauma, they may perpetuate the same lack of structure in their parenting. The home environment becomes chaotic and children act out, testing boundaries in the hope of receiving stronger guidance.
8. Emotional Detachment or Avoidance
While emotional connection to children comes naturally to some parents, for parents with complex trauma it can be difficult. Detachment and avoidance become common as a response to suppressed trauma, with the fear of getting too close due to the potential for rejection or loss.
Children with parents who show emotional detachment or avoidance do not get their emotional needs met and feel insecure.
9. Intense Guilt and Shame in Parenting
Parents with complex trauma often feel the need to overcompensate in order to avoid hurting their own children. However, the high expectations they put on themselves leads to a constant sense that they are unworthy to be a parent and that they are failing their child. They second-guess every decision and beat themselves up for mistakes.
This does not improve their parenting. On the contrary, it can give the children a sense of insecurity as they are given the perception that their parents are not good enough. They then take this on themselves, with the belief that they cannot succeed due to their parents’ perceived deficiencies.
10. Struggles with Self-Care and Burnout
Finally, parents who are overly anxious about perpetuating the trauma of their own childhood environments can end up deprioritizing themselves. Everything they do becomes about their children. Eventually, they become exhausted and burnt out. This leads to a sense of stress and emotional dysregulation in the home environment.
It is crucial for parents to model self-care and emotional resilience for children. When parents are focused only on the wellbeing of their children, the message that self-care is selfish comes through and the kids struggle to prioritize their own wellbeing.
The Path to Healing
While the above might seem overwhelming, the good news is that awareness is the first step towards healing. The very act of committing to conscious parenting is huge. With therapy and guidance, parents can learn to generate a healthy home environment, providing their children with both their physical and emotional needs.
Throughout, it is important to remember self-compassion. No one naturally knows how to parent and you have been through complex trauma that made it a particular struggle. By committing to doing better, you are well on your way to a healthier relationship and a happier life for your children.
Conclusion
Complex trauma is common for people who grew up in homes of abuse or neglect. Without processing it and a lack of awareness in one’s own parenting, it is possible to perpetuate complex trauma. Look out for the above 10 signs of complex trauma in your parenting.
If complex trauma is affecting your parenting, recognizing this is a major step towards healing. With therapy and awareness, you will soon learn to be the best parent your children could hope for.
Sources
- NIH: ICD-11 Posttraumatic Stress Disorder and Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder in the United States: A Population-Based Study. Accessed January 2025.
- Frontiers in Psychiatry: Tracing the paths: a systematic review of mediators of complex trauma and complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Accessed January 2025.
- Complex Trauma Resources: Parenting as a Complex Trauma Survivor: A New Resource to Support Caregivers. Accessed January 2025.
- NIH: A systematic literature review of the relationship between parenting responses and child post-traumatic stress symptoms. Accessed January 2025.
- The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: Effects. Accessed January 2025.