Name: Vaneza Choy
From: San Francisco, California (CA)
Grade: vaneza.choy@sjsu.edu
School: San Jose State university
Votes: 0 Addiction Awareness Scholarship Campaign 2020 -

"Letting you in on the Dirt"

Vaneza
Choy

1/5/2020

Letting
you in on the Dirt

If
you can grow in the dirt, you will survive the blossom” I got this
quote from Instagram 2 years ago, it says something like that
roughly, but I have thought about this almost every day of my life in
2019. I was a struggling woman of color to find love in herself. The
moment I looked in the mirror with my young impressionable
girlfriends, we would both make up our flaws and wishing to see what
is not there.

I
had the self-hatred routine to a T. Wake up, immediately run over to
the bathroom before anyone can see me without makeup, brush teeth
with the stress someone might see my naked face, meanwhile talking so
much dirt to myself. I’d run back to my dorm and immediately start
an hour's journey of covering my internal insecurities with Tarte
shape tape concealer, and a load of expensive makeup products. I’d
walk to class knowing I’m a half-hour late, because the thought of
going to class without my shield of protection, was worth me loosing
out on important knowledge at the time. With my social anxiety, I
would ignore all people. How could someone love me if I hated myself
so very much? To my demise this layer of myself, I was ready to let
her go. Someone who is not me and not kind to me. Merely I was a
product of trauma and external behaviors from people who did not
honor me or love me. My thoughts were all originated from my abusive
mother from my childhood and bullies from school. Even the way I ate
was a product of the way I was treated, though surviving 3 eating
disorders. So yeah I confided in the dirt. The moment I thought life
is what it is and found the suicide hotline in my hand, that's when
everything changed for me. I survived my dirt.

The
dark cold space that used to be my home, I broke away from it. I
invested in myself, to know that from this point I will never stop
growing. Therapy was the first step. Talking was new. I had been so
silent and closed off, so talking helps. From that point, things
aligned and haven’t stopped. I founded my freelancing coaching
business and passion that I work on and grows with myself love every
day. But I want to point out my story is not that different from many
around the world, especially women. I’m blessed every day get to
live because, among the ones that do survive, there are ones that
don’t. Rates are alarming and I am going to service mental health,
for the universe has served me. It has become my mission to solve
this problem. I want to help young women and men learn to love
themselves unconditionally so we too can blossom in wealth,
prosperity and energy together. Know that the dirt is necessary for
any bloom to happen, so today I thank and forgive my dirt because of
who I have become from it.


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