Drug Rehab 2022 Round 1 – Not the death of me

Name: Amanda M Newman-Riser
 

Not the death of me

A child born out of wedlock. Thirty-Six years, three kids, one almost failed marriage, two drug induced decades, distant family with loads of loss and an absent opiate addicted sperm donor, called ‘Him’. To completely comprehend this awkward, embarrassing and mildly comical era, called ‘my life’. I will start out by saying, I don’t grieve well. Do most people ‘Grieve well?’ I guess I would say I am not most people.

From a young age, I have regrettably, grieved many people who were still alive. Most never even earned the time that was spent grieving. You know, the people who I was at one time in my life told, they were not fit to be in my life. What do I know, I was just a child? These people who once you start to become a certain age, you thrive to know because these people ultimately seem to be the most mysterious, fascinating, exciting, and confusing people in existence. Time and time again the disappointment, broken engagements and down right lies. Have you ever pushed thoughts like that of people out of your life because “they are sick?”

For the lucky people, saying goodbye to a loved one is a one-time deal. To a member of an addicts family, it seems it is all around. ‘Good-riddance’ and ‘if I ever see your face again, it would be too soon’ then the real goodbye to too many loved ones over a course of a lifetime. I feel like I have closed the door and opened it to loved ones who are looking for a second, third or one hundredth chance. I often wondered if I was just unlucky or unlovable.

Its only taken me thirty- six years, three kids, one almost failed marriage, two decades of being a functioning alcoholic, lost my world of a stepdad, my half-brother and what seemed to be a lifetime. To understand that I am the ultimate narrator of my story. I will not allow addiction to be the rain cloud over my head. I will not allow addiction to be the death of me.